So, what do I want? What do I really want? Most of us want lots of things! We don't realize how much we really want until we are unable to get it. These are some shallow and deep questions I have been trying to answer truthfully. Two amazing books have come my way in these past weeks. They seem to speak to my unspoken questions. Does any one else wonder things in the almost subconscious places of their minds, as I do? Questions we never ask aloud, conclusions we almost come to, and would, if we explored the thought more or asked God about it. It's that place in our innermost being that I do not naturally invite God's insight into, but I believe He introduces thoughts. Anywho, these two books, Boundaries and Abundant Simplicity (by Henry Cloud and Jan Johnson--thanks Sarah and Kaitlynn!) along with the book of James continue to address my inner ponderings and bring wisdom to areas that the Holy Spirit brought to my subconscious thought world first.
Both of these books encourage you to ask yourself what you think you want, the things we say in spiritual tones that we want, and are convinced that we want. Abundant Simplicity tells you to make two lists: what you think you want and what you want based on what you pursue and think about the most. It has been amazing to face honestly what I go after the most, naturally (what I really want) and the things I say and think I want, and how those sometimes get put on the back burner. Here is a peice of my list so you get the idea. Honesty is refreshing though a bit troubling sometimes.
What I think I want and think of when asked what I want:
~I want to glorify God! ~I want to be Jesus' hands and feet and love on earth ~I want to be an encouraging wife and friend ~I want to bring people to Jesus ~I want to be loved by my husband ~I want to be fit, healthy and not addicted to food or anything...
What I want based on my actions and what I think about:
~I want coffee and sweets ~I want admiration ~I want exciting interaction with people ~I want letters, flowers and chocolates from my lover ~I want to be comfortable ~I want to do what I want to do when I want to do it...
NOW that I've started to be honest with myself and God, I can look at what I truly treasure--whether I think I want to treasure it or not. Being aware of this has awakened a longing to truly treasure my God like I want to...and choose Him, when it comes to choosing above the other things that I want. This kind of looking inward is only valuable if it spurs us onto a sweeter, deeper relationship with our Father. It is not meant to provoke condemnation or despair because we are desperately off track sometimes.This question is all about honesty to improve our relationship with God and when we are honest we can truly be changed by God--instead of pretending we are where we want to be.
In Boundaries, the author who is a long time counselor shared the story of a man who had repeated affairs. He would confess and tell his wife he was sorry and didn't want to be unfaithful. He said that these affairs were against his will. Over and over he stumbled into them. This counselor encouraged the man to be honest. He really did want to have affairs or he wouldn't continue to have them, this desire was taking over his other desires to be faithful to his wife. When the man finally confessed that he really did enjoy the pleasure of these affairs, he was able to receive forgiveness and began to be restored. God met him in his point of honesty and lifted him above this desire, to the pure desire to be faithful to his wife. He found freedom.
The question should be narrowed down from "What do you want?" to "What do you want the most." Every day we make these choices. My heart is stirred and prompted to tell Father:
"Father, I want to long for You as You long for me. To go after You with all of my heart focused on You. Laying aside empty things so I have time for the substance, for the TRUE things in life!"
We can't convince God that what we want is him when we are wanting a whole lot of things and putting those others things as tops in our life. The best we can do is tell our loving Father exactly what is going on in our hearts, whether it is "I want chocolate right now!" or "I want to steal that bike," (use your imagination!). We can ask Him to be first and to align our desires with His and what is truly good, what we truly want above the impulse of the moment. We can ask for freedom from harmful desires, and this is where that "true happiness" is found.
This looks different to all of us, and I don't have a clear cut idea of things I need to cut out of my life to make room for my desire for God, but as the daily choices for pursuit come, I desire to desire to choose God first!!! This is a love relationship with Him, where the more I choose Him the more I want to choose Him and our love grows. It's all about THIS relationship.
Hebrews12 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame,and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
Postscript...I wonder, did Jesus want to go to the cross? It wasn't His will, and He was honest about that, but His ultimate desire was for the joy set before Him of the Father and us, He wanted to and He did. Just some more food for thought...
And...a random great song
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sbdJXKqVgtg
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