Currently I am taking "soundings" to find my direction now as to who I am, what I am about and where I fit in God's beautiful plan in this amazing world. I love to know and see what He is looking at when He sees me. I went on a lovely walk this morning out in what probably is the last of the walkable weather. It was cold but I was all layered up and set off down the park trail which is enclosed by stately trees and topped with colorful, moist leaves. No one else was out so I could freely discuss life with God and thank Him. Out loud.:) He seems to be telling me that instead of ascending a mountain I am now on a walk with him, in a figurative sense. He is being so gentle with me, and continues to want to speak softly to my heart as we walk on a level path. There are places in my heart that He wants to smooth out. One of them is how I see myself--and others. To be honest I feel far from knowing what is going on in my world. He has made it clear that whatever it is, He wants to do it with me, and to be close and together no matter what. There is nothing He wants more. I am learning what intimacy looks like, and one characteristic is when nothing lies between the two of you. No distance, no fear, no shame. Just two hearts coming together to love and exchange goodness, and to offer themselves. I have been going deeper in this practice with God and with my husband and as we have grown closer, we have touched on areas that are uncomfortable to me. The closer we get, the more fear, dread and other issues have reared up in my heart. Where are these things coming from? As I let my gaurd down, my fear and search for protection seems to leap out of no where, ironically. Perhaps because I feel unprotected--uh, yeah. :)
God showed me a parable during my knee injury as I was fretting and getting fed up with the issues of life, and unmet needs. I was at my in-laws Bible study, which was a full house on this night, and a song of love to Jesus was playing loudly. It was a struggle to worship or think about this amazing God. I asked God to show me something, anything. In my mind's eye this picture appeared and I was on a gravel road, with weeds filling the ditches on either sides. Very normal for the Minnesota and South Dakota countryside. Ahead of me though, was an abnormal bright light, and I wasn't looking at the light, rather my attention was on the weeds on my sides, and how much I didn't like them. They were ugly, and just pointless and inconvenient it seemed. Immediately I knew what those weeds represented in my life; they were the things I didn't like, and the things I could do nothing about. I could see how I was allowing them to distract, depress and keep me from some kind of reward. I turned instead to the light, asking God what it was, thinking it represented heaven. He said, that the light was Him-(my reward!), and intimacy with Him. I saw clearly that I was becoming distracted with the things that I didn't like in life, so I was focusing on them and He was trying to show me the greatest joy in life--being close, near, and intimate with Him. That the space between us on the gravel road represented the distance I was allowing by wallowing in the imperfections around me. As this truth immediately resonated within me, I began to drop the weed gazing and run into Him, asking Him to help me overcome that distance in my mind.
"Since you have been raised to new life with Christ, set your sights on the realities of heaven, where Christ sits in the place of honor at God’s right hand. 2 Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth.3 For you died to this life, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God." Col 3:1,2 (emphasis mine)
This last week I began to see the fears, shame and insecurities that show up as I grow closer to my husband as well. As long as there is distance between us I feel safe with my flaws, but as we disclose more of the truth about ourselves to each other, I find a panic in my heart. Will he accept me? Will he despise the parts about me that are weak, even as I despise them? What will happen if the whole truth is known? That is a scary time for me. To let go and be known...but it is so necessary if I am going to have a deep and true relationship with my husband. It is so awesome how God is there to assist in even our relationships with others, and delights to bring two opposite people like us together to teach us TRUE love. Instead of finding rejection as I disclose my weaknesses, I've been overwhelmed to find more of My Father's love and acceptance for me, being shown to me through my husband. We have both been learning about accepting eachother, and I have to say this greatly encourages us to come out from hiding. No unrealistic expectations, selfish motives, or performance for acceptance sake. Just truth and love.
This post has roamed in and out and back and forth, touching on the topic of my life and learnings about intimacy, and I am tempted to leave it as is. May it be an uncooked, unpolished. unfinished thought that hopefully spurs on some thoughts of your own. If you have read until this point, may I congratulate you for climbing a mountainous piece of writing that was not neatly arranged for an easy read.
Have a wonderful, fulfilling day, with your head in the clouds and your feet on the ground. Oh yes, it is possible!
Cheers,
Brooke
Exactly similar to what I've been learning lately. Jesus's been teaching me to focus on Him. Those weeds do lead us astray. Sometimes it is easy to forget that no matter what I do or who I am would ever change who He is. Good read sister!
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