It has been a much better week for my emotions. Stable. Much more so trust and climbing over a hump, I feel. There were many sweet encounters with God and people this week which brought amazing perspective. Why does the truth have to amaze me so often, am I in the dark that much? Anyway, as I have come into the "light" you might say, a certain dark issue I have has been exposed. My love affair with Perfection.
Let me explain. This wolf disguised as a meek and fluffy sheep was introduced to me at a young age. Church, my parents, Christian radio and songs in Sunday School like "Be Careful Little Eyes," taught me the right thing to do so that God would be pleased and I would be blessed and everyone would be happy. I would even live long on the earth if I honored my parents! These messages are filled with truth and common sense. Thank God for wisdom and parents and people who care enough to teach the right way to go. We knew we could never really obtain the perfection we sought through following the rules, but we could at least try, and try harder. As I grew up and was punished for rebellion and encouraged in obedience and performance in the home through consequences, I realized that if I tried hard enough, I could live a relatively happy life. I learned how to please my parents and how to appologize to God and them when I messed up. My journal in my early teens is filled with self loathing prayers and tearful "I'm sorrys". I learned how to feel better by doing as good as I possibly could: things like being kind to my siblings and not rolling my eyes at mom so as to avoid reprimand and guilt. I liked being around perfection, or things and people without uncomfortable flaws. It felt safe and nice! Nobody got hurt. All throughout my youth I had a bit of true relationship with God and I truly wanted to please Him. But I still loved how perfection made me feel. I began to hate myself when I couldn't produce this quality and have a sincere dislike for those who couldn't or wouldn't try to be perfect. This dislike made me feel more guilty, for the record. Unfortunately, as I pursued perfection, my relationships with God and people suffered. It became an affair/addiction to this thing.
Last week the old flame flared up, and I didn't even recognize it at first. You see, as God has pursued me with His perfect love, I have been won over by Him and I have seen the empty futility of perfection apart from relationship to PERFECTION itself. What I knew before was false perfection, for it seeks to self-perfect apart from the only perfect, loving God. Anyway, the past relationship surfaced when a brief and tense situation presented itself between two people I loved. There was a miscommunication and I was in the room when it got brought up. I tensed up and froze. People aren't being perfect and this could get ugly! It was resolved quickly but I was stuck in some kind of a daze and continued to be affected by this conflict. I decided to go for a walk in the lush green countryside. Glowing rays of sun greeted me and I felt the invitation to get whatever this feeling was off my chest. I blurted out my "Why God, am I not able to handle conflict around me!?" For this was a recurring response I had when people weren't being-- well, perfect.
"You are afraid of imperfection showing itself, but it has to so that it can get resolved," God breathed into my heart.
Of course. I breathed a relieved sigh. That made sense, and I felt His kindness in this revelation of truth.
As I walked on He also showed me that it was the imperfections in people and situations around me, that He uses like a tool to perfect me. It is an inward change without striving and all through relationship to Him. This is the true kind of perfection and it is the working of God when our hearts turn to Him in the midst of the tension of imperfection. He then reminded me of these verses. They contain the word perfect and fit my situation like a tailored suit.
"Consider it all joy, my brothers (and sisters*), when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. Let endurance have it's perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing."
James 1:4 *added by me
It is the opposite of what one might conclude. We don't see the perfection in dire trials, uncomfortable-ness. A visit into the furnace, anyone? Yay, It will make your gold more pure and shiny! We have probably heard that analogy before if we have spent time in the Bible or church. I sure did, and this struck me fresh when it was applied to THIS area of "trials" in my life. In this light I can rejoice when conflict and imperfections are present in myself and others, instead of shrinking and hiding from them. I can choose to put my faith in God, who is my protector and perfecter. "The Lord will perfect that which concerns me." Psalm 138:8. In the challenges of life we have discovered another area to grow, another area to be challenged in, another area where we can move in closer to our God. We are all in a process of being perfected, and we need to embrace this process. As my friend Anna put it today, we need to be ok with being unfinished, and people that are unfinished.
When I end this relationship to false perfection, I can love God more fully and love imperfect humans (which includes myself). I can actually give myself and people space to GROW. This is great news for my marriage as well :)! As my fear of imperfection dissolves into an embrace of God's amazing process that perfects me, I become a free woman! Nothing can really go "wrong" anymore and if it does, I have still have a perfect God to help me and work within me. Ah, to retain this glorious perspective! God is my safety, comfort and Lover, instead of "perfection".
He loves us!
<3 Brooke
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
UP's down's and the SOURCE of all JOY
Why are there so many emotional ups and downs in life and especially when one is pregnant?
This is a childish question I have asked my Creator this week. I know why, but WHY!?!? They make one look really weak and they are not fun, not happy & not good for the people around me. Maybe it is just an exposure of the reality of my humanity? This week I have been attempting to sort out the difference between hormones and negative spiritual activity (war). It starts with the first one and the enemy of life seems to capitalize on it, and I find myself trying to stay afloat and above tears. Humanity. I am relieved to have an amazingly patient, kind, glorious Father walking beside me through all of this confusing emotional/mental/spiritual descent. My husband also, he has been patient to talk things through, pray and wait for me to resurface. :) Thankfully it doesn't last for keeps, and God seems to teach me the most during those painful times, causing me to rise up more thankful and with new wisdom and love.
Tangled up in my emotions has been the desire for things to happen and be that are not. This has been one thing that has dragged me down, as the enemy has assured me that these "good" things will forever be witheld. These are not bad things, but they become my downfall when I pursue them instead of my God. I need to give thanks and make peace with dreams that are distanced from reality. Release my life as I want it to be, or as I assume God wants it to look like and look at what is right in front of me and ASK Him to show me what it is that His heart desires for right now. This is what I had to do yesterday, and it was a gradual thing. A series of choices to believe the truth and take "stuff" to God all throughout the day. Disappointment settles in so quickly! My heart must center back on Him--the true desire of my heart, the source of all my joy. :D And honestly He did and is doing that in me...today I feel So. Much. Better. It all just seems easier! Read this today:
This is a childish question I have asked my Creator this week. I know why, but WHY!?!? They make one look really weak and they are not fun, not happy & not good for the people around me. Maybe it is just an exposure of the reality of my humanity? This week I have been attempting to sort out the difference between hormones and negative spiritual activity (war). It starts with the first one and the enemy of life seems to capitalize on it, and I find myself trying to stay afloat and above tears. Humanity. I am relieved to have an amazingly patient, kind, glorious Father walking beside me through all of this confusing emotional/mental/spiritual descent. My husband also, he has been patient to talk things through, pray and wait for me to resurface. :) Thankfully it doesn't last for keeps, and God seems to teach me the most during those painful times, causing me to rise up more thankful and with new wisdom and love.
Tangled up in my emotions has been the desire for things to happen and be that are not. This has been one thing that has dragged me down, as the enemy has assured me that these "good" things will forever be witheld. These are not bad things, but they become my downfall when I pursue them instead of my God. I need to give thanks and make peace with dreams that are distanced from reality. Release my life as I want it to be, or as I assume God wants it to look like and look at what is right in front of me and ASK Him to show me what it is that His heart desires for right now. This is what I had to do yesterday, and it was a gradual thing. A series of choices to believe the truth and take "stuff" to God all throughout the day. Disappointment settles in so quickly! My heart must center back on Him--the true desire of my heart, the source of all my joy. :D And honestly He did and is doing that in me...today I feel So. Much. Better. It all just seems easier! Read this today:
"Send out your light and your truth;
let them guide me.
Let them lead me to your holy mountain,
to the place where you live.
There I will go to the altar of God,
to God—the source of all my joy.
I will praise you with my harp,
O God, my God!
let them guide me.
Let them lead me to your holy mountain,
to the place where you live.
There I will go to the altar of God,
to God—the source of all my joy.
I will praise you with my harp,
O God, my God!
Why am I discouraged?
Why is my heart so sad?
I will put my hope in God!
I will praise him again—
my Savior and my God!"
Why is my heart so sad?
I will put my hope in God!
I will praise him again—
my Savior and my God!"
Psalm 43:3-5
Even as I write this, I am thinking, "Man, I wish I knew my God more! So much awesome victory could be realized, more joy received, so much peace lived in and more amazing pleasure experienced in His company." Life is in His words, it is His essence. It says in those verses that He is the source of all my joy. Talking of Him grows my to desire to deepen my friendship and understanding of Him even more. I can go hard after Him! What could be better than this Everlasting God and Friend who knows it all and loves us all? Things I know about Him; but do I really?
The reality that I am carrying a BABY is settling in, and I become more excited for her/his arrival all the time. I mean, my belly is poking out, and it isn't just fat! A living, squirming being is--is j-j-ust right there! LIFE! What a huge opportunity to bring a life into the world and care for it! All of these thoughts seem so new to me, even though this has been happening for thousands of years. It's just that now it is happening to me--and Karter! It kind of delights and boggles my imagination to think of what kind of parents we will make together. We agree that it is going to take a serious amount of wisdom and showering God with questions. It will be fascinating to see how all that works out...haha! What a challenge. Thanks for all your congratulations! It will indeed be exciting to see what God's plans are for this precious new person.:)
Happy Wednesday to ya'll!
Friday, July 19, 2013
In other news...
WE, my husband and I, are expecting a BABY of some sort! Due end of December but more likely to come in January!
YAY!!!
PrOdUcTiVe = happy (?)
Good Friday to you!
I realize I haven't kept my quota of entries. Thank you. I will not feel guilty, however, for mercifully I am not living my life in "performance mode". Oh joy! Though I have been till recently, like this week. Life in that performing state has been sorrowful and I was thankful to get out of it!!
I might as well launch into the story of how it was done, and how I was unable to do it. The blues about my life and how unproductive I am, and all my other tendencies and faults that I am not proud of began early this week. I had a week full of productive activities planned at last--for last week I played a great deal--and was excited to start the week full force, for God, for the world, for those in need!!! Productive atlas, Was my hope and goal. I took ill immediately and was frustrated that my days would be reduced to further un-productivity and lounging around, staring my faults in the face. I didn't want a few days cooped up with me. What's worse I began to worry about my health. I began to notice all the things that I didn't like about where I was at, and my disappointments with myself and subsequently those closest to me (sorry, dear husband). Situations that had mildly disturbed me but that I could usually overlook became highlighted and unbearable. Doubts crept in. I was upset that I was being this way, after all the ways and times God had proven Himself to me. Why couldn't this lesson be sealed up, you were teaching me to trust last time, God! I complained, and hated that I was complaining. It seemed I would be stuck in this foul place with no escape until my circumstances changed, I changed in a productive direction, or my blessed husband changed. Or, perhaps a change of heart? This I could not do, even though I cried, talked it out (which helped a lot, thanks for listening you know who you are) and tried to ask God for freedom from this disappointed heart.
Mid-week I finally felt ok enough to walk a bit, and I took the opportunity to call a sweet friend from the east coast who has a history of bringing on amazing conversations and prayer times. She is a beautiful brunette doctor in residential training, waiting for her prince charming still, surprisingly. Come on, guys *says a quick prayer for men to be...better*. We were planning to talk anyway, and this breezy evening was pleasant to be out in, so as the sky prepared for sunset I called her as I headed to the lovely Falls Park. We discussed some joys and disappointments in our different lives, but mainly our unsatisfied states. Together we agreed that our attitudes stunk, and God was really great and you know, we really wanted to pray. Really. Prayer was sweet, we were encouraged by words and pictures God put on our hearts for each other. When we amened in the normal fashion, my friend brought up a knot she had felt in her stomach that translates into a sadness. I was feeling a similar sadness and we decided to ask God about it directly. He showed her a lie, it was that she always needed to be different and that she wasn't enough, which I identified with. He showed me that I felt that I could not be happy where I was, and she seconded that. Two lies, two cords making up this the knot.
"Jesus," I asked, "What do you want to do with this knot?" He showed me in my minds' eye, that He Himself was casting it into the sea, as He stood on the seashore with me. I verbally turned my back on the lie in agreement with Him. It was found out and disposed of, and now I wanted to hear the truth from Him. When I asked Him what the truth was it was as if He took my hands, looked into my eyes and His words sunk into and resonated in my soul. "You are perfect right where you are, and right where you are at."
Truth is known for setting people free, and that is exactly what happened to us both that night. I was hiding between some boulders near the park, lying on the cool grass, feeling knot-less, with peaceful joy soaring within me! To think that He knows where I am, and my imperfection and the things that I am not doing to serve and still loves me, still has plans for me, and a timetable that is not mine? If He says I am perfect (in Him of course) then everyone else has got to be, my husband too! He looks at what we do, but first looks at our hearts and HE is that one that refines us and leads us into productivity as we abide in Him. This is all in His time of harvest. He isn't done. Will we gawk at his incomplete masterpiece or delight in watching it unfold? Will we agree with Him?
A day after this unearned freedom hit, I was faced with a test. More disappointments were dangled in my face and sadness threatened to return, as it will. However because God had entrusted me with this gift of truth I could use it as a weapon against this and not give into the lies of hopelessness. He gave me the freedom. I needed to fight to hold onto it! This is the good fight of faith, my friends. We are all in it if we have any faith, and it is worth every sucker punch and lunge with the sword for as long as the assault lasts. Whew. Tiring sometimes, but so worth it. Thank God for the truth that sets us free!
Be free, my friends!
-Brooke
I realize I haven't kept my quota of entries. Thank you. I will not feel guilty, however, for mercifully I am not living my life in "performance mode". Oh joy! Though I have been till recently, like this week. Life in that performing state has been sorrowful and I was thankful to get out of it!!
I might as well launch into the story of how it was done, and how I was unable to do it. The blues about my life and how unproductive I am, and all my other tendencies and faults that I am not proud of began early this week. I had a week full of productive activities planned at last--for last week I played a great deal--and was excited to start the week full force, for God, for the world, for those in need!!! Productive atlas, Was my hope and goal. I took ill immediately and was frustrated that my days would be reduced to further un-productivity and lounging around, staring my faults in the face. I didn't want a few days cooped up with me. What's worse I began to worry about my health. I began to notice all the things that I didn't like about where I was at, and my disappointments with myself and subsequently those closest to me (sorry, dear husband). Situations that had mildly disturbed me but that I could usually overlook became highlighted and unbearable. Doubts crept in. I was upset that I was being this way, after all the ways and times God had proven Himself to me. Why couldn't this lesson be sealed up, you were teaching me to trust last time, God! I complained, and hated that I was complaining. It seemed I would be stuck in this foul place with no escape until my circumstances changed, I changed in a productive direction, or my blessed husband changed. Or, perhaps a change of heart? This I could not do, even though I cried, talked it out (which helped a lot, thanks for listening you know who you are) and tried to ask God for freedom from this disappointed heart.
Mid-week I finally felt ok enough to walk a bit, and I took the opportunity to call a sweet friend from the east coast who has a history of bringing on amazing conversations and prayer times. She is a beautiful brunette doctor in residential training, waiting for her prince charming still, surprisingly. Come on, guys *says a quick prayer for men to be...better*. We were planning to talk anyway, and this breezy evening was pleasant to be out in, so as the sky prepared for sunset I called her as I headed to the lovely Falls Park. We discussed some joys and disappointments in our different lives, but mainly our unsatisfied states. Together we agreed that our attitudes stunk, and God was really great and you know, we really wanted to pray. Really. Prayer was sweet, we were encouraged by words and pictures God put on our hearts for each other. When we amened in the normal fashion, my friend brought up a knot she had felt in her stomach that translates into a sadness. I was feeling a similar sadness and we decided to ask God about it directly. He showed her a lie, it was that she always needed to be different and that she wasn't enough, which I identified with. He showed me that I felt that I could not be happy where I was, and she seconded that. Two lies, two cords making up this the knot.
"Jesus," I asked, "What do you want to do with this knot?" He showed me in my minds' eye, that He Himself was casting it into the sea, as He stood on the seashore with me. I verbally turned my back on the lie in agreement with Him. It was found out and disposed of, and now I wanted to hear the truth from Him. When I asked Him what the truth was it was as if He took my hands, looked into my eyes and His words sunk into and resonated in my soul. "You are perfect right where you are, and right where you are at."
Truth is known for setting people free, and that is exactly what happened to us both that night. I was hiding between some boulders near the park, lying on the cool grass, feeling knot-less, with peaceful joy soaring within me! To think that He knows where I am, and my imperfection and the things that I am not doing to serve and still loves me, still has plans for me, and a timetable that is not mine? If He says I am perfect (in Him of course) then everyone else has got to be, my husband too! He looks at what we do, but first looks at our hearts and HE is that one that refines us and leads us into productivity as we abide in Him. This is all in His time of harvest. He isn't done. Will we gawk at his incomplete masterpiece or delight in watching it unfold? Will we agree with Him?
A day after this unearned freedom hit, I was faced with a test. More disappointments were dangled in my face and sadness threatened to return, as it will. However because God had entrusted me with this gift of truth I could use it as a weapon against this and not give into the lies of hopelessness. He gave me the freedom. I needed to fight to hold onto it! This is the good fight of faith, my friends. We are all in it if we have any faith, and it is worth every sucker punch and lunge with the sword for as long as the assault lasts. Whew. Tiring sometimes, but so worth it. Thank God for the truth that sets us free!
Be free, my friends!
-Brooke
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Play.
Good morning world!
Has anyone else been overwhelmed by how beautiful and green everything is in South Dakota, or perhaps wherever you are? LIFE is everywhere. I am so glad and thankful to be alive. LIFE has been sweeter than ever lately. I am still feeling romanced by the King...God you might call Him. ;} Also, my husband has been so much fun and quite the lover.
Last weekend was lovely as Karter and I had a lake day full of basking in the sun, volleyball in the sand, grilling and eating food, and spritzes in the cold lake with some of our family and friends. It all took place at Lake Pahoja, just over the border in IA. We are going back every possible Saturday afternoon until the weather turns, and invite whoever of you that wants to come. Show up if you wanna!
Last night I had this longing to lay out on the bed with fake candles and read whatever God put on my heart. Matthew 18 was that place, packed with groundbreaking, foundational stuff that dissapointed many who heard. He spoke to those who desired to be great, and carelessly shattered their definitions on the subject. He did a show and tell of a child to reveal true greatness and the only way to enter His Kingdom; taking on the humility of a child.
This revelation is huge, after all most of us for sure want to be a part of Jesus Christ's Kingdom--I mean, PICK ME! This is what I was born for. Well, this chapter was written for me, I am one of those people who desire to be great. I was just confessing to Karter yesterday while we sipped coffee and cappucino at our favorite place, that one of the reasons I don't like certain kinds of games is that I want to live an important life. I want to DO great things for God and be a part of His great work. It is hard for me to accept too much leisure because I want to basically make a mark and I want that for my family. Part of this desire may be good, but where I swerve into pride is my mindset of acheivement and scorning certain ways people enjoy themselves because it doesn't appear to be making a difference. Because it isn't impressive or mature enough. It is easy for me to see why He wanted me to read this chapter. Children don't concern themselves with things too great, but they have a great and lofty view of their fathers (if the child is normal and father is halfway decent). They believe He can do anything. They want to go to work with him, play catch with him, and trust him to provide for them everything they need. Carefree, in a word. Another thing children do well is to love blindly. God wants to do great things with and through us, but this childlike humility is necessary to begin.
Karter and I wrapped up our coffee date sharing more observations about what God wants for and from us, His children. To begin in greatness we need not be concerned about things that can get in the way of productivity, but I need to humble myself like a child. Children love to play and know how to enjoy life. Father gives us all things richly to enjoy. He has great plans for us, and will lead us into them as we follow, but does not want children so fixed on big things and in an arrogant pursuit that we cannot enjoy His creation. He takes care of us and we are now free to LOVE and enjoy. This was a welcome, liberating attitude adjustment and is necessary for me to glorify God and enjoy life!
...Among other things, but it is always good to get the important things down first.:)
1 Timothy 6:17
"Instruct those who are rich in this present world not to be conceited or to fix their hope on the uncertainty of riches, but on God, who richly supplies us with all things to enjoy."
Give thanks and enjoy the day He made!
~Brooke
Has anyone else been overwhelmed by how beautiful and green everything is in South Dakota, or perhaps wherever you are? LIFE is everywhere. I am so glad and thankful to be alive. LIFE has been sweeter than ever lately. I am still feeling romanced by the King...God you might call Him. ;} Also, my husband has been so much fun and quite the lover.
Last weekend was lovely as Karter and I had a lake day full of basking in the sun, volleyball in the sand, grilling and eating food, and spritzes in the cold lake with some of our family and friends. It all took place at Lake Pahoja, just over the border in IA. We are going back every possible Saturday afternoon until the weather turns, and invite whoever of you that wants to come. Show up if you wanna!
Last night I had this longing to lay out on the bed with fake candles and read whatever God put on my heart. Matthew 18 was that place, packed with groundbreaking, foundational stuff that dissapointed many who heard. He spoke to those who desired to be great, and carelessly shattered their definitions on the subject. He did a show and tell of a child to reveal true greatness and the only way to enter His Kingdom; taking on the humility of a child.
This revelation is huge, after all most of us for sure want to be a part of Jesus Christ's Kingdom--I mean, PICK ME! This is what I was born for. Well, this chapter was written for me, I am one of those people who desire to be great. I was just confessing to Karter yesterday while we sipped coffee and cappucino at our favorite place, that one of the reasons I don't like certain kinds of games is that I want to live an important life. I want to DO great things for God and be a part of His great work. It is hard for me to accept too much leisure because I want to basically make a mark and I want that for my family. Part of this desire may be good, but where I swerve into pride is my mindset of acheivement and scorning certain ways people enjoy themselves because it doesn't appear to be making a difference. Because it isn't impressive or mature enough. It is easy for me to see why He wanted me to read this chapter. Children don't concern themselves with things too great, but they have a great and lofty view of their fathers (if the child is normal and father is halfway decent). They believe He can do anything. They want to go to work with him, play catch with him, and trust him to provide for them everything they need. Carefree, in a word. Another thing children do well is to love blindly. God wants to do great things with and through us, but this childlike humility is necessary to begin.
Karter and I wrapped up our coffee date sharing more observations about what God wants for and from us, His children. To begin in greatness we need not be concerned about things that can get in the way of productivity, but I need to humble myself like a child. Children love to play and know how to enjoy life. Father gives us all things richly to enjoy. He has great plans for us, and will lead us into them as we follow, but does not want children so fixed on big things and in an arrogant pursuit that we cannot enjoy His creation. He takes care of us and we are now free to LOVE and enjoy. This was a welcome, liberating attitude adjustment and is necessary for me to glorify God and enjoy life!
...Among other things, but it is always good to get the important things down first.:)
1 Timothy 6:17
"Instruct those who are rich in this present world not to be conceited or to fix their hope on the uncertainty of riches, but on God, who richly supplies us with all things to enjoy."
Give thanks and enjoy the day He made!
~Brooke
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