PrOdUcTiVe = happy (?)

Good Friday to you!

I realize I haven't kept my quota of entries.  Thank you.  I will not feel guilty, however, for mercifully I am not living my life in "performance mode".  Oh joy! Though I have been till recently, like this week.  Life in that performing state has been sorrowful and I was thankful to get out of it!!

I might as well launch into the story of how it was done, and how I was unable to do it.  The blues about my life and how unproductive I am, and all my other tendencies and faults that I am not proud of began early this week.  I had a week full of productive activities planned at last--for last week I played a great deal--and was excited to start the week full force, for God, for the world, for those in need!!!  Productive atlas, Was my hope and goal.  I took ill immediately and was frustrated that my days would be reduced to further un-productivity and lounging around, staring my faults in the face.  I didn't want a few days cooped up with me.  What's worse I began to worry about my health. I began to notice all the things that I didn't like about where I was at, and my disappointments with myself and subsequently those closest to me (sorry, dear husband).  Situations that had mildly disturbed me but that I could usually overlook became highlighted and unbearable.  Doubts crept in.  I was upset that I was being this way, after all the ways and times God had proven Himself to me.  Why couldn't this lesson be sealed up, you were teaching me to trust last time, God!  I complained, and hated that I was complaining. It seemed I would be stuck in this foul place with no escape until my circumstances changed, I changed in a productive direction, or my blessed husband changed.  Or, perhaps a change of heart?  This I could not do, even though I cried, talked it out (which helped a lot, thanks for listening you know who you are) and tried to ask God for freedom from this disappointed heart.

Mid-week I finally felt ok enough to walk a bit, and I took the opportunity to call a sweet friend from the east coast who has a history of bringing on amazing conversations and prayer times.  She is a beautiful brunette doctor in residential training, waiting for her prince charming still, surprisingly. Come on, guys *says a quick prayer for men to be...better*. We were planning to talk anyway, and this breezy evening was pleasant to be out in, so as the sky prepared for sunset I called her as I headed to the lovely Falls Park.  We discussed some joys and disappointments in our different lives, but mainly our unsatisfied states. Together we agreed that our attitudes stunk, and God was really great and you know, we really wanted to pray.  Really. Prayer was sweet, we were encouraged by words and pictures God put on our hearts for each other.  When we amened in the normal fashion, my friend brought up a knot she had felt in her stomach that translates into a sadness.  I was feeling a similar sadness and we decided to ask God about it directly.  He showed her a lie, it was that she always needed to be different and that she wasn't enough, which I identified with. He showed me that I felt that I could not be happy where I was, and she seconded that.  Two lies, two cords making up this the knot.

"Jesus," I asked, "What do you want to do with this knot?"  He showed me in my minds' eye, that He Himself was casting it into the sea, as He stood on the seashore with me. I verbally turned my back on the lie in agreement with Him. It was found out and disposed of, and now I wanted to hear the truth from Him. When I asked Him what the truth was it was as if He took my hands, looked into my eyes and His words sunk into and resonated in my soul.  "You are perfect right where you are, and right where you are at."

Truth is known for setting people free, and that is exactly what happened to us both that night.  I was hiding between some boulders near the park, lying on the cool grass, feeling knot-less, with peaceful joy soaring within me!  To think that He knows where I am, and my imperfection and the things that I am not doing to serve and still loves me, still has plans for me, and a timetable that is not mine?  If He says I am perfect (in Him of course) then everyone else has got to be, my husband too! He looks at what we do, but first looks at our hearts and HE is that one that refines us and leads us into productivity as we abide in Him.  This is all in His time of harvest.  He isn't done.  Will we gawk at his incomplete masterpiece or delight in watching it unfold?  Will we agree with Him?

A day after this unearned freedom hit, I was faced with a test. More disappointments were dangled in my face and sadness threatened to return, as it will.  However because God had entrusted me with this gift of truth I could use it  as a weapon against this and not give into the lies of hopelessness.  He gave me the freedom. I needed to fight to hold onto it!  This is the good fight of faith, my friends.  We are all in it if we have any faith, and it is worth every sucker punch and lunge with the sword for as long as the assault lasts.  Whew.  Tiring sometimes, but so worth it. Thank God for the truth that sets us free!

Be free, my friends!

-Brooke