UP's down's and the SOURCE of all JOY

Why are there so many emotional ups and downs in life and especially when one is pregnant?
This is a childish question I have asked my Creator this week.  I know why, but WHY!?!?  They make one look really weak and they are not fun, not happy & not good for the people around me.  Maybe it is just an exposure of the reality of my humanity? This week I have been attempting to sort out the difference between hormones and negative spiritual activity (war).  It starts with the first one and the enemy of life seems to capitalize on it, and I find myself trying to stay afloat and above tears. Humanity.  I am relieved to have an amazingly patient, kind, glorious Father walking beside me through all of this confusing emotional/mental/spiritual descent.  My husband also, he has been patient to talk things through, pray and wait for me to resurface. :) Thankfully it doesn't last for keeps, and God seems to teach me the most during those painful times, causing me to rise up more thankful and with new wisdom and love.

Tangled up in my emotions has been the desire for things to happen and be that are not.  This has been one thing that has dragged me down, as the enemy has assured me that these "good" things will forever be witheld.  These are not bad things, but they become my downfall when I pursue them instead of my God.  I need to give thanks and make peace with dreams that are distanced from reality.  Release my life as I want it to be, or as I assume God wants it to look like and look at what is right in front of me and ASK Him to show me what it is that His heart desires for right now.  This is what I had to do yesterday, and it was a gradual thing.  A series of choices to believe the truth and take "stuff" to God all throughout the day.  Disappointment settles in so quickly!  My heart must center back on Him--the true desire of my heart, the source of all my joy. :D   And honestly He did and is doing that in me...today I feel So. Much. Better.  It all just seems easier!  Read this today:

"Send out your light and your truth;
    let them guide me.
Let them lead me to your holy mountain,
    to the place where you live.
 There I will go to the altar of God,
    to God—the source of all my joy.
I will praise you with my harp,
    O God, my God!

 Why am I discouraged?
    Why is my heart so sad?
I will put my hope in God!
    I will praise him again—
    my Savior and my God!"

Psalm 43:3-5

Even as I write this, I am thinking, "Man, I wish I knew my God more!  So much awesome victory could be realized, more joy received, so much peace lived in and more amazing pleasure experienced in His company."  Life is in His words, it is His essence.  It says in those verses that He is the source of all my joy. Talking of Him grows my to desire to deepen my friendship and understanding of Him even more.  I can go hard after Him!  What could be better than this Everlasting God and Friend who knows it all and loves us all?  Things I know about Him; but do I really?

The reality that I am carrying a BABY is settling in, and I become more excited for her/his arrival all the time. I mean, my belly is poking out, and it isn't just fat!  A living, squirming being is--is j-j-ust right there!  LIFE!  What a huge opportunity to bring a life into the world and care for it!  All of these thoughts seem so new to me, even though this has been happening for thousands of years.  It's just that now it is happening to me--and Karter!  It kind of delights and boggles my imagination to think of what kind of parents we will make together.  We agree that it is going to take a serious amount of wisdom and showering God with questions. It will be fascinating to see how all that works out...haha!  What a challenge. Thanks for all your congratulations!  It will indeed be exciting to see what God's plans are for this precious new person.:) 

Happy Wednesday to ya'll!

In other news...

WE, my husband and I, are expecting a BABY of some sort!  Due end of December but more likely to come in January!

YAY!!!

PrOdUcTiVe = happy (?)

Good Friday to you!

I realize I haven't kept my quota of entries.  Thank you.  I will not feel guilty, however, for mercifully I am not living my life in "performance mode".  Oh joy! Though I have been till recently, like this week.  Life in that performing state has been sorrowful and I was thankful to get out of it!!

I might as well launch into the story of how it was done, and how I was unable to do it.  The blues about my life and how unproductive I am, and all my other tendencies and faults that I am not proud of began early this week.  I had a week full of productive activities planned at last--for last week I played a great deal--and was excited to start the week full force, for God, for the world, for those in need!!!  Productive atlas, Was my hope and goal.  I took ill immediately and was frustrated that my days would be reduced to further un-productivity and lounging around, staring my faults in the face.  I didn't want a few days cooped up with me.  What's worse I began to worry about my health. I began to notice all the things that I didn't like about where I was at, and my disappointments with myself and subsequently those closest to me (sorry, dear husband).  Situations that had mildly disturbed me but that I could usually overlook became highlighted and unbearable.  Doubts crept in.  I was upset that I was being this way, after all the ways and times God had proven Himself to me.  Why couldn't this lesson be sealed up, you were teaching me to trust last time, God!  I complained, and hated that I was complaining. It seemed I would be stuck in this foul place with no escape until my circumstances changed, I changed in a productive direction, or my blessed husband changed.  Or, perhaps a change of heart?  This I could not do, even though I cried, talked it out (which helped a lot, thanks for listening you know who you are) and tried to ask God for freedom from this disappointed heart.

Mid-week I finally felt ok enough to walk a bit, and I took the opportunity to call a sweet friend from the east coast who has a history of bringing on amazing conversations and prayer times.  She is a beautiful brunette doctor in residential training, waiting for her prince charming still, surprisingly. Come on, guys *says a quick prayer for men to be...better*. We were planning to talk anyway, and this breezy evening was pleasant to be out in, so as the sky prepared for sunset I called her as I headed to the lovely Falls Park.  We discussed some joys and disappointments in our different lives, but mainly our unsatisfied states. Together we agreed that our attitudes stunk, and God was really great and you know, we really wanted to pray.  Really. Prayer was sweet, we were encouraged by words and pictures God put on our hearts for each other.  When we amened in the normal fashion, my friend brought up a knot she had felt in her stomach that translates into a sadness.  I was feeling a similar sadness and we decided to ask God about it directly.  He showed her a lie, it was that she always needed to be different and that she wasn't enough, which I identified with. He showed me that I felt that I could not be happy where I was, and she seconded that.  Two lies, two cords making up this the knot.

"Jesus," I asked, "What do you want to do with this knot?"  He showed me in my minds' eye, that He Himself was casting it into the sea, as He stood on the seashore with me. I verbally turned my back on the lie in agreement with Him. It was found out and disposed of, and now I wanted to hear the truth from Him. When I asked Him what the truth was it was as if He took my hands, looked into my eyes and His words sunk into and resonated in my soul.  "You are perfect right where you are, and right where you are at."

Truth is known for setting people free, and that is exactly what happened to us both that night.  I was hiding between some boulders near the park, lying on the cool grass, feeling knot-less, with peaceful joy soaring within me!  To think that He knows where I am, and my imperfection and the things that I am not doing to serve and still loves me, still has plans for me, and a timetable that is not mine?  If He says I am perfect (in Him of course) then everyone else has got to be, my husband too! He looks at what we do, but first looks at our hearts and HE is that one that refines us and leads us into productivity as we abide in Him.  This is all in His time of harvest.  He isn't done.  Will we gawk at his incomplete masterpiece or delight in watching it unfold?  Will we agree with Him?

A day after this unearned freedom hit, I was faced with a test. More disappointments were dangled in my face and sadness threatened to return, as it will.  However because God had entrusted me with this gift of truth I could use it  as a weapon against this and not give into the lies of hopelessness.  He gave me the freedom. I needed to fight to hold onto it!  This is the good fight of faith, my friends.  We are all in it if we have any faith, and it is worth every sucker punch and lunge with the sword for as long as the assault lasts.  Whew.  Tiring sometimes, but so worth it. Thank God for the truth that sets us free!

Be free, my friends!

-Brooke

Play.

Good morning world!  

       Has anyone else been overwhelmed by how beautiful and green everything is in South Dakota, or perhaps wherever you are?  LIFE is everywhere.  I am so glad and thankful to be alive.  LIFE has been sweeter than ever lately.  I am still feeling romanced by the King...God you might call Him. ;} Also, my husband has been so much fun and quite the lover.  
      Last weekend was lovely as Karter and I had a lake day full of basking in the sun, volleyball in the sand, grilling and eating food, and spritzes in the cold lake with some of our family and friends.  It all took place at Lake Pahoja, just over the border in IA.  We are going back every possible Saturday afternoon until the weather turns, and invite whoever of you that wants to come. Show up if you wanna!
      Last night I had this longing to lay out on the bed with fake candles and read whatever God put on my heart.  Matthew 18 was that place, packed with groundbreaking, foundational stuff that dissapointed many who heard.  He spoke to those who desired to be great, and carelessly shattered their definitions on the subject. He did a show and tell of a child to reveal true greatness and the only way to enter His Kingdom; taking on the humility of a child.  
     This revelation is huge, after all most of us for sure want to be a part of Jesus Christ's Kingdom--I mean, PICK ME!  This is what I was born for.  Well, this chapter was written for me, I am one of those people who desire to be great.  I was just confessing to Karter yesterday while we sipped coffee and cappucino at our favorite place, that one of the reasons I don't like certain kinds of games is that I want to live an important life. I want to DO great things for God and be a part of His great work.  It is hard for me to accept too much leisure because I want to basically make a mark and I want that for my family.  Part of this desire may be good, but where I swerve into pride is my mindset of acheivement and scorning certain ways people enjoy themselves because it doesn't appear to be making a difference.  Because it isn't impressive or mature enough.  It is easy for me to see why He wanted me to read this chapter.  Children don't concern themselves with things too great, but they have a great and lofty view of their fathers (if the child is normal and father is halfway decent). They believe He can do anything.  They want to go to work with him, play catch with him, and trust him to provide for them everything they need.  Carefree, in a word.  Another thing children do well is to love blindly.  God wants to do great things with and through us, but this childlike humility is necessary to begin.  
       Karter and I wrapped up our coffee date sharing more observations about what God wants for and from us, His children.  To begin in greatness we need not be concerned about things that can get in the way of productivity, but I need to humble myself like a child.  Children love to play and know how to enjoy life.  Father gives us all things richly to enjoy.  He has great plans for us, and will lead us into them as we follow, but does not want children so fixed on big things and in an arrogant pursuit that we cannot enjoy His creation.  He takes care of us and we are now free to LOVE and enjoy. This was a welcome, liberating attitude adjustment and is necessary for me to glorify God and enjoy life!
...Among other things, but it is always good to get the important things down first.:)

1 Timothy 6:17
"Instruct those who are rich in this present world not to be conceited or to fix their hope on the uncertainty of riches, but on God, who richly supplies us with all things to enjoy."

Give thanks and enjoy the day He made!

~Brooke

Restoration Bath

Hi to everyone.

Honestly, I don't know what to blog about.  I have been experiencing some major highs (yay!) and lows the past week and am currently in a place where things look a lot dimmer than usual and I do not feel a lot of drive or strength to advance. In this tiredness I tried to read the Bible but it isn't working like I want it to.  It's as if my ground is hard and dry and there is a slight patter of rain descending but not enough to soak me.  I need more, something from Father, His outstretched hand. Here is what my heart is crying out to God:

Father, You have amazing plans for me, You told me so.  You said that You were always with me and I believe this.  Will you lift the clouds that veil my understanding of Your goodness and the joy that can be mine by engaging with you?  And if I can't find words to say or even know what to talk about with can I rest with You and enjoy You until my heart has been softened by the rain of Your goodness?  I need a bath in it.
Restoration anyone? Click here for the song.  It came at the perfect time.

I feel His peace again, and He is reminding me of some things He told me yesterday concerning this time in my life.  He told me to discover, ask QUESTions and He would reveal some foundational things about life as He intends it.  I had never seen the QUEST in questions before, but it popped off my journal page as if God was spurring me on this QUEST for truth.  It was surprising to me that He would encourage me to ask more questions, being that I am one of His more inquisitive daughters, but I was thrilled by this invitation.  He also was wooing me with His love yesterday in many ways...and told me so.  I am so thankful for a walk in rolling hills full of luscious greenery with Sarah my dear friend, being up close with my nephew Noah and His sweet laugh, my sister Paige watching him so I could sleep longer, my favorite drink at my favorite coffee shop (dk. choc. mocha @ Coffea), and an encouraging visit with my mentor, Marge, at the Falls Park.  Best of all, He brought me joy and gave me insight and spoke into my sad places, He spoke words that the best of lovers couldn't convey and was present with me the entire time.  He didn't have to do any of that, but He is over-the-top and pursues us.
It is hard to notice at first, because it usually starts with something uncomfortable or painful, and come to find out God is pursuing our heart in the midst of that time.  It's the most opportune time for Him to show Himself strong on our behalf. :) Enjoy what He is doing in your heart at this time and how He is loving you.  Ask Him what is up.

Thanks for listening, I feel a lot better than when this post began.  Faith, hope and love are soaring again.  Thank You, Father. Remembering His goodness from the past does wonders in our present relationship and causes us to continue on in the trek with renewed faith.  At least that is how it feels right now.  I will have to check into the theological accuracy of that theory.  Ha.

May His Peace be with you ;))

Brooke

UnDeRsTaNdInG

Dear Friends,
My last post in here was over a year ago, and I rarely give my blog a thought.  It has taken it's place in my memories, but doesn't occupy current mindspace.  This past weekend, while we were enjoying being bridesmaids together in a dear friend Cassie's wedding, my friend Laura mentioned this space on the internet.  She said she liked reading it.  I liked writing it.  God is continually sharing little things with me, that I delight to share with friends because His words bring life, and change lives.  So I decided to put this into my schedule.  Life doesn't show signs of slowing down and I will take the "now or never" approach to blogging now (thanks to Laura:)).  

3-4 

"It takes wisdom to build a house,

    and understanding to set it on a firm foundation."

~Prov. 24:3

At this time last year I knew nothing about who my husband would be, where I would be at in the world, or anything much about my future.  I write this from my new appartment, which I share with my new husband, where we experience and anticipate many changes!  God is the beautiful constant, showing me how to adapt, to love and to be loving and flexible, to live with and to express my feelings and learn those of a new human being who I didn't know at this time last year!  An amazing, playful, hardworking, loving man named Karter.  That is who I married.  My mentor, Marge, just lended me her book "For Women Only", in hopes that it will make our married life more filled with understanding.  I confided in her that in spite of all the marriage talk and radio shows (like focus on the family) and books on relationships that I've read since teen years, no one told me how to be married to Karter. I am devouring this book, and longing to understand more of how this wonderfully strange mind of a man works.  A great deal of pain is spared in just UNDERSTANDING people and situations, and I eagerly ask God for this accordingly.  I showed it to Karter last night, and his eyes lit up.  He decided it would be helpful for him read it with me and confirm or deny, so that I didn't get wrong ideas about him, if that wasn't how he worked--cause honestly not all men are the same I definantly had learned.  I was excited for this opportunity to gain further understanding of my specific husband!  I think the title was appealing to him too, maybe. "For Women Only," Tehe.  Try to keep a guy out of something that forbidden. ;) So we read the first few chapters without talking.  When it was time to retire the book, I asked if it was true.  Yes.  Yes it was all true, he said.  He just didn't want to be too vocal about it because it really is a charge written to the woman about how NOT to treat her man and how to treat him.  He didn't want to rub things in--nice man that he is. I asked him if there was anything that wasn't even remotely true.  Nope.  All true. ;)  I recommend the book!  

~~

Before departing for a lunch date with my mom and long time friend, I want to merely present the truth that Father God is kind.  I have been noticing His kindness so much the past few days.  He is kind when I am frustrated, tired, vengeful, lazy, and irritated inside. His words, when I come to Him and ask, His perspective and wisdom bring so much peace and change my heart.  I would love to continue to share specifics, and plan to in the coming posts.  My goal in saying this (I am going to come right out and say it) is to encourage YOU to take everything that is weighing you down today, every thought that needs some light to be shone on it, perplexing situations, happy notions, you name it.  Bring them to the Father and let Him speak and enlighten you before any time goes by.  He wants us to be happy, liberated and liberating children, and there is no reason to be tied up in anything.  You will know the TRUTH and the TRUTH will set you free.

{Here I am gonna steal something awesome from Jude 21} 
"But you, dear friends, carefully build yourselves up in this most holy faith by praying in the Holy Spirit, staying right at the center of God’s love, keeping your arms open and outstretched, ready for the mercy of our Master, Jesus Christ. This is the unending life, the real life!"

BlEsSiNgS,

Brooke

Life, and lots of it!

"I came that you might have life and have it more abundantly"
~Jesus

~Hello friends~

This blog is being written at the prayer room of my newest abode. I speak of my recent move-in with Rachel (look out, Ray, here I come!) to her central Sioux Falls location. God is good. I could go many directions right now in explaining where I am at, what I am doing and what my Father is teaching me and working in my heart as He fashions it as He so desires :). I will try to touch on all of those areas as these reflections skillfully flow through my fingers. Hopefully.

 Back in March I moved out of my beloved Brunz family's home and camped out with my 1st family for three weeks. This time it wasn't in Arizona or even Beaver Creek, but in a 4 year old home on the eastern edge of Sioux Falls. This lovely home became their possession beginning of March (which is a whole roller-coaster of a story for another time) and they are delighting in the freshness of it as well as the great location and SPACE. It has much space; 7 bedrooms, manifold closets and my mom's favorite--the soaking room. Family devotions, relaxation and restful Jesus music can be found therein. I love watching my family fill and subdue this home and be so blessed by the Heavenly Father with many conveniences. Their dream (which they are already living) is for the place to be a haven where people can come in and be loved. I would call it "My Father's House". You know the one they sing about: the big, big one with lots and lots of food and a big yard where they can play football? That's right. All that and more. They have already had many visitors, a dedication night and several worship nights there and it has proven to be wonderful.

 Undoubtedly this would be a great place to live and with my wonderful family it would be amazing. However, when I parked my almost car-full of stuff in my family's guest room, I knew I wouldn't be staying long. My heart had been eying (what a great mental picture of a heart with eyes!) the BeFree home, where my sister Rachel has resided for almost a year. This place shared my heart and vision for this time of my life. Also, the central location just thrills me. I like being close to any action. :) God's gentle nudge was in this direction as well, and since being here has been confirmed over and over. For one thing, Rachel is going to a mission training school in Africa for 3 months and leaves on May. We were informed of that on my first morning waking up in her appartment. One obvious benefit is that I will be able to spend some sweet time with her before she departs. We have not had that luxury the past few months and I SO appreciate being with her more. Furthermore, after she leaves, (sNIFF) I will be able to help run this home.

 What is the vision for this home? Ah, that is what we have been pondering and discussing many hours last week and the previous ones. We want this home to be a loving community for women (and Denny, the man who lives here with his wife, Glenny) who are seeking to love God and each other and be a blessing to women who are exploited or vulnerable in some way. Included in the vision are dreams of developing our gifts and callings here, as well as music, arts and a place of great food and hospitality. A place where we love God and people. Where our heart is to see people through God's eyes and call out the gold He has placed in them. A resource for learning more about the heart of this kind of community is the book "A Culture of Honor". Love it. It was our first assigned reading for Gate School of Ministry last year and has largely impacted myself and my family.

 In my practical, everyday work type of life I can usually be found happily making drinks at Coffea. I love it here, and find myself learning many things from God in all the interactions with Jesus, people, dishes and yes, Coffee. My boss tells me I should dedicate a blog to all of my learnings about coffee that have applications for life. Haha, she gets to hear about it sometimes, but especially when I was starting out (thanks Jenna!). To digress I will share a coffee/relationship with God analogy. He was showing me how my love for people can be likened to espresso, which is coffee beans ground, compressed and forced by hot water and pressure through a filter. The result of the process (at least with our coffee beans and some skill) is a syrupy, delectable, flavorful 2 oz of concentrated coffee. Consuming this delicacy has been described as having "a pair of velvet pajamas" wrap around your tongue. Beautiful. Anyway, many elements and precise pressure is required for the shot to pull through straight, pure and true. This means a shot which tastes akin to the way the roasted beans smell and not bitter or sour or the cause of temporary facial distortion. When I was first learning about such coffee things I was also learning to love when the love is not reciprocated, but rather rejected and my love was being tested. My love wasn't pulling straight, pure and true however. Like an espresso shot with lumpy, unlevel grounds, my love "shot" was coming out twisted and sour. With some even pressure in the right places from Father, He has been purifying my love and causing it to flow straight, with more of His sweetness and character coming through, regardless of what I am receiving from others. After all, His goal for all of us is to conform us to Jesus' likeness, the perfect representation of His love on earth. Does pressure feel nice? Not always, but when our Father allows it in our life it brings awesome results. I have also been enjoying the simple things in life in this new world of coffee nerds (which I am becoming perhaps). It has been a delight to learn how to steam milk to the proper temperature with the right amount of savory micro-foam. Also, to pull espresso shots my manager calls "beautiful". Not to mention the thrill I get watching the customers enjoy themselves and the enjoy the goodness I had a part in preparing just for them. These and many other small things I thank my Father for. It is good to be alive. :oD

 On nights or days off I can be found walking, working out, spending time with Jesus, praying with lovely ladies, discussing community and laughing or crying with Rachel and Denny and Glenny, eating popcorn, singing and worship among other things like swing dancing. Or possibly breaking out in dance in unusual places. Tuesday nights continue to be major highlights as well at Gate School of Ministry. Here we are learning about our relationships with God, people and ourselves and who we are as sons and daughters of God. Also woven throughout the curriculum are stories and testimonies on how God breaks into the everyday with supernatural expressions of His love. Some are shared from our classmates and others are given by our speakers from Bethel School of Ministry in CA via recording. This class contributes to my faith in what God wants to do even through His children as He causes His Kingdom to come and will be done on earth as it is in Heaven. How difficult it is to summarize class, but that will have to suffice for now.

 Increasing responsibilities and relationships, other challenges and unknowns also arise in life. My biggest giant currently is anxiety. This morning I woke up with dread tinting my day. All the things that I needed to do and the people I needed to get back to seemed stacked before me like a pile that screamed "TOO MUCH!" All that I had committed to and told myself I needed to do was lumped into an impossible tangle in my mind. When I brought it to the Father He reminded me of what He once told Martha; that ONE THING was needful, and that was being with Him. Learning from Him. That was what my life is about--oh yeah! Freedom. So even though it makes no sense based on what I know about God, it is a continual battle to believe that God loves me and will empower me to do all the things I need to do. That includes helping me let go of the things I cannot do. Or even should not do. As humans we have limits right? *happy sigh*. That's right, and that is ok. He doesn't have limits and is working all things together for the good of those who love Him. Maybe I need to take some time right now to let that sink in again and just love on Him as He loves on me. He is good!

Many blessings on your day.
Keep me updated on your lives as you are able!
-Brooke

"I came that you might have life and have it more abundantly"
~Jesus